i feel lonely in my mind.
“Shame dies when stories are told in safe spaces”
(TW: Eating disorders & Self harm)
The place i feel loneliest is in my own mind, it goes on about the harshest parts of myself. My mind hates me so much sometimes i feel i could never tell anyone what it’s thinking and that’s what makes me feel so lonely because i don’t know what to do with all these thoughts and feelings. (should probably find another therapist)
I think the world is such a confusing place, one half is telling you to be honest and open and that will ultimately help you but the other half is saying “you can’t talk like that” this point has everything to do with words about ourselves not anyone else btw, think of the Euphoria scene when everyone is screaming at Cat to love herself. The problem i’ve noticed is that no one wants to intentionally hurt anyone else’s feelings so when it comes to wanting to talk about what’s going on within our minds we hold back because we don’t want to trigger anyone else.
This causes us to be in this one layered trap of yes, we know that this is a negative experience and if we ever get the chance, we can only talk about hating the way we look in a very careful way. This has been my experience and what i’ve noticed about other people i’ve been in conversation with, We don’t know when to talk about the things that are making us feel the most lonely so those thoughts are only getting stronger the more we try to tell ourselves they are wrong, and we can’t talk about them except when it comes to therapy which is obvious. For me i want the relief of knowing it’s not just me, which a 1 on 1 with a therapist isn’t really going to help that point i so desperately want to know.
Toxic positivity has added to this and our Kim Kardash is now skinny! so we must be society. “You have to love yourself” “positive words, positive thoughts” “strive to be healthy” and etc they are exhausting to hear when you don’t feel that way.
The thoughts that make me feel the most lonely are fuelled by the eating disorder i’ve struggled with for so long. It’s something i have always struggled to bring up due to shame and awareness of not wanting to trigger others. I’ve starved, intentionally thrown up after meals and scanned over my body religiously; looking at my belly, arms and no thigh gap, even looked hours on end at the people i find beautiful to see if their body is similar to mine in the hopes my ongoing body dysmorphia shuts up for a day. This is a sentence i’ve probably only talked about under a handful of times, comparing to my other mental health issues that i seem to find a lot easier to talk about. On reflection i think that’s probably because this is still my reality and i’m not sure on where to start to heal from it yet. Writing this is my first step to talking about it openly to reflect on all the brutalness i’ve shown myself and something i read recently that really stood out to me; “shame dies when stories are told in safe places” so hello safe place.
If you can relate to this in someway then i hope you can find a safe space here, in a friend or group like Girls Against Anxiety and hopefully be able to get some therapy to go side by side.
I wish my mind wasn’t such a scary place, i do often wonder how everyone else’s works to get through this world and i hope i can be a safe space for someone else. A little something to keep in mind if someone like me opens up to you, listen with empathy, don’t judge and ask the question “would you like me to listen, advice, a distraction or to just be comfort for you?” this will go a long way to keep that safeness with them.
Thank you for reading,
Robyn She/They
