my anxious journey
The first vivid memory I have of being anxious was my first day of reception class. I remember the night before I felt so sick and scared because I really didn’t know what to expect. Being 4, nearly 5 years old you’d of thought I’d of been bursting with excitement to go and make new friends and have fun but no not me. I just hated the fact I didn’t know what to expect and that has stayed with me my whole life. I hate the unexpected, I hate surprises, I hate not knowing what people have gotten me for my birthday or Christmas presents. I also hated the fact that I’d be away from my parents and my nan for so long, i found so much comfort in my nans house (we had to live with her due to financial issues). It wasn’t that I wasn’t good at school because I was, I knew I was good at reading and writing and they were my favourite things. I used to cry every morning because I didn’t want to go, cry when I got in my classroom, say I didn’t feel well so I could try and get someone to pick me up. I just never felt settled at all. It was hard for me to make friends, I didn’t really know how to be honest. I then found some friends and I started to enjoy it more but of course just as I was settling, it was close to the end of the year where we’d have the 6 weeks and I’d come back to a new classroom and a different routine. Luckily my reception teacher moved to year 1 with us so I didn’t have the nerves about that. Still to this day I struggle to make friends and it’s something I’ve never really been good at, the anxiety stems from me worrying and overthinking everything. “Have I said something wrong” or “am i speaking too long?” Or “am I being too loud or crass?” I try not to care too much, take everything with a pinch of salt but there will always be that niggling feeling in the back of my brain of some type of overthinking.
The transition from primary school to secondary school was awful as well. I really struggled with that. I was just a ball of anxiety and panic. What made it worse was people telling me that I’d have to get naked and shower in front of the other girls after P.E. And what was my first double lesson on my first day at school? P.E. I had terrible belly ache, diarrhoea, nausea. I went to school on the Monday crying whilst I was getting ready because I really didn’t want to, trying not to cry walking to school with my friend from primary school, trying not to have a panic attack whilst sat in my form room. I barely spoke to anyone and if I did it was very minimal, people thought I was weird. Then the time for P.E came and luckily we actually didn’t have to do anything for that day as it was just an introductory to the lesson and what we were going to be doing for the lesson plans. Break and lunch time we’re difficult for me too. For the first few months I was sat with my cousin who was in year 11, so I had some familiarity to try and calm me down. I definitely outstayed my welcome with her tho after a month or more. She was always asking polity when I was going to hang out with my friends. Well the truth was that I was too frightened to. I did have friends who I sat next to in different classes and had a laugh with but something inside of me just couldn’t hang out with them during break and lunch. I did finally muster up the courage to do so and it wasn’t too bad actually, I formed an amazing group of friends, walked home from school with them and even met up at the weekends.
Then I had another big change in my life where I moved from Kent to Devon. I thought I’d had it rough from the transition from primary school to secondary school and I was so wrong. Not only did I have to move away from my family and life as I knew it, I had to form a new friendship group and start secondary school again. The thoughts racing around in my mind just wouldn’t settle, I was constantly on edge, scared and nervous.
I got severely bullied at secondary school which didn’t help my already high anxiety at the time. It was constant and brutal. I’d get told to “go back to Kent” and that I don’t belong here, that I was a “slag” along with a multitude of other stuff. My grades suffered horrifically due to the bullying and me not wanting to go to school. I felt like I had no support at the time, no one to actually listen to me and ask if I am okay. I had all these emotions inside of my head but I just couldn’t express how I felt. I was confused, angry and frustrated. I did have a few friends but the group was so toxic, one of the girls was stirring in the group and caused unnecessary drama so again I was left friendless. The bullying didn’t stop until I was in year 10 and truthfully it never really stopped it just got less severe.
Things eventually got better, until they weren’t again. I got into a very abusive relationship at the age of 15. He done a lot of horrible things to me and treated me like I was nothing to him. He left me a broken mess. I had all this trauma that had happened to me and again no one to talk to because I didn’t realise it was abuse. I was always in “fight or flight” mode, I was always crying, scared and the feeling of hopelessness lingered round me every single day. But nobody understood why, I didn’t even understand why so how could I expect someone else to? That time in my life is such a blur. I went to the doctors “oh she’s just a teenager and going through puberty” they would say. My mum literally marched me down to the doctors and said “she’s literally going to kill herself if you don’t help” until they took me seriously.
I was made to do counselling but I didn’t know why I was there. I had the mindset of “why bother helping me? I’m not worth it” I didn’t want to be there. My head was always so cloudy and I could never think straight, it’s like my brain turned itself off and I was just living on autopilot. But how could I put this into words when i couldn’t even remember the day I’ve had and this is why I really struggled to connect to my counsellor, I went for around 12 weeks and in all honesty I only went to so I could have 2 hours away from school. In the end I got bored and told them I was better, I felt fine, I lied on the questionnaire giving myself high mood scores of 8’s and 9’s. They believed me and released me from their service and that was it. I was left on my own again.
I got another counsellor and she was worse than my first. She was twisting my words, telling lies to my mum and saying I was doing this all for attention, which to a certain degree I do agree with. I didn’t know how to handle these big emotions, I haven’t processed any of the trauma I had been through, and the people who said they are there to help and care for me were lying.
I didn’t feel like I fitted in anywhere until I made a good group of friends when I was in year 11 and I found my amazing partner. Don’t get me wrong, the anxiety and depression was still at an all time high, but I could finally face school without having an overwhelming sense of fear and suffocation. But every night I was laying in bed with these thoughts swirling around in my brain like a tornado, flashbacks to my abusive relationship, terrifying nightmares when I finally fell asleep. And then I’d wake up with a small amount of sleep (not remembering when I feel asleep) put my brave face on and tried to face the day the best I could.
To tell you the truth, nothing really helped for me. I had Fluoxetine but they didn’t help and the counselling didn’t really help. I’ve had to help myself. No one was there for me in my toughest times, but I was. No one truly felt the pain I was going through, but I did. No one understood the severity of my problems, but I was there for myself in these times and for that I am grateful for me. I am grateful that I didn’t give up, I may of done some silly things, but I didn’t give up.
So, if you have anxiety and/or depression, or any mental health problems, I know it’s hard to but just remember that you are your number one friend (as cheesy as it sounds) make sure you look after yourself and please don’t let others rule your life. Even if you can’t get out of bed in the morning that’s okay, just remember to have water and try some food. Do things that make life easier for you. You’ve got an exam that you’re scared for? Find the teacher and ask for help. Scared to go on the train? Get your comfort and fidget things, check the route as many times as you want, check your tickets 1000 times before you get on the train, do things that give you comfort in this stressful situation. I do understand sometimes it’s not as easy as this, but once you stop giving yourself such a hard time for going through these problems it will become easier. You wouldn’t tell a blind man to stop using his stick as he needs it and if you need to do something that you see as “silly” just do it. I have learnt that I can only manage a few things a day and sometimes barely one. If I wake up in the morning and can’t leave my bed I won’t, and that is okay. I treat myself how I would treat my friend if they were sick, because mental health is a sickness and it should be treated as such.
my anxious journey
by leah (she/her)
By Leah (she/her)
